Trying but failing miserably

God help me I’m trying and failing at it.  Coming off the summer… the pregnancy debacle…. and the chaos that made my eating habits atrocious.  I promised myself that I would clean up my eating habits.  I did a green veggie cleanse/detox for 7 days.  I almost and I mean almost didn’t make it through that one.  I wanted to murder my husband.  Then to top it off when I went back to check in with my nutritionist, she casually mentions I could have up to 4 oz of chicken a day!  Ummm that would have made life more bearable if she would have told me BEFORE I did my cleanse.  I’ll try the green veggie cleanse again in November.  I will admit it led to shed 10 pounds of which I only gained two back when I was done with the cleanse.  It wasn’t so bad except for the lack of energy from not consuming enough calories.

Still going to Crossfit 3 days a week.  I can see that I’m getting stronger but I do underestimate how much weight I can handle and often finish too quickly.  Some days its so hard to motivate myself to set foot into the box.  But I paid good money to do so and I am not one to waste money.  So far my PR for dead lifts is 215 pounds.  I still struggle with any movements where the weight goes over my head.  I can’t get myself to go that heavy.  I really enjoy crossfit and I have to remind myself not to compare myself to others.  Some people will progress faster than I and that’s ok.  I’m doing great and doing what I can safely.  So with just over an hour left for work, I’m damn full from lunch and wondering how I’ll fare this evening when I show up to Crossfit.  I may or may not throw up.  Wish me luck!

Back to the Grind

 

Back from a attending a friend’s destination wedding and I am beat.  Brought our son with us and I have to say that probably was a BIG mistake.  The heat and humidity down in Mexico was too much for our son and he became a whiny tyrant.  We had fun and there were times when our son aka Coconut was in a good mood, but seriously the pretty most important time which was the wedding we were pretty much screwed.  My ended up with the first toddler watching shift which meant I missed there ceremony and my husband took over and ended up missing the rest of the reception and partying.  I had my moments when I thought to myself that it was a big mistake thinking that we could take him with us to Mexico.  We did so in the first place because he did so well when we went to Hawaii last year.  The couple getting married knew our son and Coconut refers to them as Auntie and Uncle.  But perhaps it would have been MUCH less stressful to have just gone by ourselves.

We had tabled the discussion of having a second child and I’m on the fence about that.  I’m not sure if I could handle a second child.  One seems to test my patience.  Also how the hell would we be able to afford raising another child.  It is ridiculously expensive to raise a child were we live.

 

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Ok some how I wrote that entry months ago and must have forgotten about it.  So when I came back today to check things out I found it in the un-posted section.  I have to say that in the 3 months that time has elapsed that so much has happened.  So without much more pause let me tell you…… that I found out I was pregnant last month.  LAST MONTH and I wasn’t expecting it.  Some how some way I got pregnant on the damn pill.  Didn’t know about it for over a month cause seriously I don’t keep track of when Aunt Flo visits.  And during my first visit to check on the little alien we all realized that there was a problem.  Which I later found out was called Blight Ovum.  Its like a house was built but the baby never moved in.  Its also known as a missed miscarriage.  My body reabsorbed the embryo cause my body knew something was wrong with it.  What my damn body didn’t do for me was end the pregnancy.  Nope it just kept chugging along like I was pregnant.  Took me 3 more weeks to finally have the Dr. confirm the diagnosis so that I could move on to the next step and get the tissue expelled.  I didn’t tell many people of my condition and for the most part those who I told were kind and sensitive.  I just got so annoyed with those people who insist on apologizing and telling me it was a sad thing because I wasn’t sad. How can I miss something that was never there.  To be honest I was relieved.  I wasn’t ready to have another baby.  So in my head I would scream “stop saying sorry!” Life goes on…

How did…

TIME PASS SO FAST!

My son was pretty much the inspiration for this blog, I needed a place to just write what I felt without feeling like I was going to be judged.  Well as anonymous readers you could judge me, but really it wouldn’t bother me because I don’t know you.  I just needed a place to vent and to chronicle my journey to getting back to being active again.  I really feel like I’m not going to get back the body I had before I gave birth to my son.  I have come to terms with that now and I don’t blame anyone or anything, well actually I blame chips, pizza, burgers and my own will power.  Anyways…. the purpose of this post is that my son turns THREE in less than two months.  The last post before I went on the year long hiatus was about how my son turned two.  I feel like the time has passed so quickly.  How did my baby become a little boy who now talks in complete sentences, conveys to me how he feels and what he wants and can now do things for himself.  With everyday that gets closer to his birthday, I get more and more people ask me aka pressure me into having a second kid.  To be honest I don’t have a powerful desire to have a second child.  I’m not going to have a second kid just for the sake of having a second kid.  My husband and I, had both wanted two kids when we got married.  Things changed for me after I had my son, but I know my husband wants a second kid, but we both don’t know how we’re going to afford a second child.  Would it be so bad to just have ONE child?  I hate people who make me feel guilty for having one kid.  I shouldn’t let it get to me, but sometimes it does.  

My husband and I are going to have a conversation about having a second child after we get back from our friend’s wedding in May.  If we decide it isn’t happening this year then that’s the end of that because I really don’t want to have kids which large age gaps.  If I get pregnant this year and give birth late next year then my kids will be four years apart.  I feel like if I go through with getting pregnant that I’ll regret it later.  THAT alone scares me to stay on birth control.  Plus I’m stubborn, I told people I only want one kid and they tell me I’ll change my mind and I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of being right!

I do miss cuddling with my son when he was an infant.  The squirmy little human being.  So here I am stuck in this game of what if.  Would my son be fine being an only child?  Would things be better for us all around if he had a sibling?  I need to figure out the answers to these questions soon.  All the while gearing up for weddings, birthdays and staying committed to staying active.

It’s Love & Hate…

Pretty much me around 10 pm every night as I check to see what tomorrow’s WOD is.  One would think that its best to not look and see what kind of doom I will have to face.  SURPRISE! NO… I’m that type of person that wants to face my doom.  I want to prepare for what pain awaits me and to also know what I need to pack in my gym bag.  This is also a way for me to psyche myself out.  “Wait we’re doing that tomorrow? Perhaps I can work out the next day instead of tomorrow.” yeah in that case I would be a coward, cause the point is to push myself to do things. Currently its handstand push ups.  I have this irrational fear of kicking up to the wall that my arms will give out and I’ll fall on my head.  I can’t even get myself to kick up, I half heartily attempt it.  I actually avoid days when the WOD involves HSPU.  I suck.  I won’t ever get it done if I don’t try and practice and ask for help from my coaches.  Honestly I don’t know what I’m going to do in the near future about this since we don’t do HSPU often and the one time my box did a clinic about this I was out of town.  I see other people who do it and think, “why can’t I do it?  I know I can lift more than them and press more” I know though its a mental block that stops me from fully committing to trying.  This discourages me so much.  But on a positive note, I usually use a small box to reach the bar, in my head I felt like I wasn’t able to jump high enough or be able to get a good grip and fail.  But this week I took the leap and was able to grip onto the bar and do my pull ups.  This may seem small but its a feat that gave me some confidence that I’m not all that lost.

I just need to stop selling myself short.  Try to go heavier, try to push for one more rep.

 

Squats are bad but…

not as bad as BURPEES! I think this week the coaches at my box thought, “Hmmmm let’s do lots of leg work.  Squats on Monday, Wall balls yesterday and today ladies and gents BURPEES.  I have used the foam roller more on my legs this week than I have used a razor.  My husband took glee in my misery when he helped roll out my legs last night.  My son thought that Daddy was torturing mommy.  After assurance that daddy was not trying to kill me I had to finish rolling out myself.  Yesterdays WOD was pretty much cardio (6 min to do as many reps as possible of 42 double unders, 30 wall balls and 18 toes to bar, five minute rest and then again this time 21 double unders, 15 wall balls and 9 toes to bar), which is much needed for me as I suck when it comes to cardio and endurance.  Wait who am I kidding I suck at it all equally.  Some times when the WODs get really tough I end up not caring about finishing or how many reps I get.  I just try to get through it at a pace that won’t make me throw up and call it good.  I have never been a competitive person.  I just don’t care about being number one.

Crossfit though I thought was competitive, it seemed that way when I first started.  But I came to realize that really I was just competing with myself.  I couldn’t compete with others.  I can’t catch up to them and I can’t let others push me to limits that I can’t handle BUT I also know that the people (coaches and other members) often encourage me to try a bit more weight or a little faster.  So I always try to remind myself of how I feel and what I get from going to the box.  No one is judging me, no one is making fun of me, I always need to remind myself of that, I’m one self conscious person.   I go three times a week, I wish I cold go five but my arrangement with my husband is that I get three nights that he has to take care of our son while I work out.  I feel bad if I take more than 3 weeknights.  What I need to add is one running day on the weekend.  I have two weddings coming up and I would like to get into a toner body and just feel stronger when I’m out paddling or surfing.  I want to be a boss on a board!

One would think making it to Crossfit three times a week doesn’t sound hard, it is.  Life with a toddler is hard.  Things come up and I decide is it better to go home or go work out and then deal with it when I get home.  More often I just go home and you know that’s a cop out.  Haha sometimes when I’m on the phone with my husband as I am leaving work and if he sounds like he’s struggling I offer to go come instead of going to work out.  I secretly hope he says that I should come home.  I know I’m being lazy.  It’s March and I made the goal for this month to be to make it to Crossfit three times a week.  No matter what, if I miss a day then I would make it up another day.  I NEED to meet this goal.  I can do this.

Almost a year later and progress…

My apologies for being gone so long, I always ended up losing track or being a total lazy jerk when it comes to keeping up with writing, and then when I come back there has been so much happening in my life that I ended being overwhelmed with what to write.  Focusing on the fitness aspect it has been just over a year since I joined my Crossfit box.  I would love for you all to read that I have some immense physical change that I went through.  To be honest, nothing of that sort has happened.  And you know what?…. that’s absolutely fine.  This is an journey of an average person.  The struggles I faced trying to balance being active and a wife and mom has been a rocky one.  I am disappointed that I haven’t lost pounds when I get on the scale, but I do understand that I haven’t been trying my hardest to adhere to a healthier diet.  Its my own fault.  But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t noticed ANY change.  I feel stronger, more confident and I definitely have muscles in places that weren’t there before.   I have lost inches and body fat percentage so I call that a win.

Its hard to work out after work.  By the end of the day I’m ready to go home and have dinner with my family and relax, but I force myself to, I know that I would regret it if I didn’t go.  The membership isn’t cheap, my body isn’t going to look better on its own, and I have made friends there. Went through a bench mark work out last called “Cindy” within 20 minutes I have to try to finish as many reps as I can of 5 pull ups, 10 push ups and 15 air squats.  Today as I woke up and tried to get ready for work I KNEW that I was going to hate today.  From my shoulders to my calves my body aches something fierce.  My muscles are sore that I had trouble taking off my jacket this morning when I got to work.  I just stood there and shimmied right out of my jacket.  I’m cranky and in a bad mood because I know I need to get up and walk it off, sitting here is just making it worse but there is no where to walk to and I can only walk to the bathroom so often.  Lol! Poor coworker sees me and walks away cause he’s afraid of my wrath.  I should be feeling proud of the sore muscles but I know I’m a dummy and should have done some post stretching.  It might have helped with my current situation.  I’m going to try to take a walk at lunch.  Wish me luck.

Toddler who is TWO

A couple of days ago my son turned two.  I honestly can’t tell you that it wasn’t fast.  I remember the days just after he was born and how I wished for the days when he would be older and talking and not so dependent on me.  Now I’m not sure that I should have ever wished for that.  I do miss the the days when he would sleep on my chest.  But he’s so loving now, he likes to kiss my cheeks and stroke my face when we snuggle in bed.  Last year when he turned one I remember feeling the same thing.  Sad that he’s growing up so quickly but excited to see what he can do and understand.  The lil monkey is constantly surprising me with how much he can understand what I ask of him and in return as of me.

Weaning is done and for the most part the lil guy sleeps through the night.  He seems to be fluctuating between myself and his father when it comes to who puts him to sleep.  I’m so happy that we’re done nursing, it means I can wear what ever clothes I want again without having to think if its nursing friendly in public.  Ah no more nursing in public.  Don’t get me wrong I loved nursing my lil coconut, it was a bond that made us very close.  But those days are over now and I enjoy the running, playing, ice cream licking son that I have .  I’m beginning to get into the groove of being a mom.  I think I’ll be a better toddler mom than a infant mom.  I love babies, but I don’t think I was meant to be around them for long periods of time.  Hahahaha….

BUT being two also comes with some awesome tantrums and the adamant “NO” and some hitting.  Man my son has a real mean stink eye.  I think he gets it from me.  I have been told that his facial expressions have mirrored mine.  I have a whole year of sass and love to look forward to.

A MONTH! and still Crossfitting

It’s Friday and this ecard made me laugh because it is so true.

I can’t believe that it has been over a month since I last wrote a post.  I’m sorry that I let it lapse that long. It has been such a busy April that I really just left writing to the wayside to get ready for trips, my son’s birthday party and family obligations.  But don’t worry I didn’t let working out fall to the wayside.

I have been noticing that I can lift more now, and that as always I’m working on my form.  The one issue that comes up now is that my knees are weak, especially my left knee so I am in the market to look for a knee brace specifically for weight lifting.  After sessions with squats that have weights, especially back squats with weights my knees are killing me later in the evening.  It is kind of alarming, I don’t want to mess up my knee, but I have been slacking on trying to buy a knee brace.  I’m afraid that once I hurt my knee then there will be major consequences.  I’ll have to look into seeing if there is anything I can do to strengthen the muscles around my knees.

I can feel myself getting stronger and that’s very empowering to me.  I still need to judge how far I can push things, I tend to err on the side of cautious and I should be trying more.  I need to work on that.  When I’m done with a work out, I think to myself that I could have done more, gone heavier.  I just can’t seem to break this train of thinking.  Its like I rather be safe in going with what I know I can do rather than push myself and fail.  But then I may not fail.  I’m just so god damn self conscious.  I’ve tried snatches, jerks, pull ups, sqauts, wall balls, rowers, airdyne, lots of running, box jumps, pistols, f*uck ton of burpees.  It still kills me after very work out and I’m glad I feel that way, it means I actually did work.

Started meal prepping a few weeks ago.  Have to get a handle on how to efficiently cook in large batches and how much of each vegetable or protein I need to make a sufficient meal.  But I think I got the hang of it.  Tried chicken breast and turkey patties.  I LOVE brussel sprouts!  Not feeling the cauliflower, even though I actually like cauliflower but it doesn’t take good reheated.  I feel like a boss when I finish meal prep for the week and waking up every morning knowing my lunch is taken care of.  There was two weeks where life was chaos so I didn’t have time to meal prep.  Got to get back on track.  Even though this Sunday is Mother’s Day I’ll be spending a good chunk of that day meal prepping for the upcoming week.  I need to meet up with coach again to check in on my progress and I want to make the effort of trying to get lean.  I’ve been pretty bad the last few weeks with pizza, burgers, sugary treats.  I honestly can’t believe how fast time has passed.  I’ve been crossfitting for three months now and I wonder what real progress have I made.Summer is just around the bend I want to be in somewhat a summer ready shape to be active.  I want to shed the flabby body that came post baby and get back into the active shape I WAS in.  Hoping that I get back into regularly writing now.

 

So fast, so quick

                                                              Lil Coconut with his Uncle

I hope that everyone had a good weekend, whether celebrating Easter or that Spring has arrived.  As I stood and watched my son hunt down the colorful plastic eggs, I realized that he’s growing up so quickly.  He understands more than I gave him credit for.  What makes me so warm and happy is how those around him light up and smile when they see him.  My husband’s family loves LiL Coconut so much.  I love seeing them light up when Coconut comes for a visit and how when my son laughs and giggles everyone else laughs as well.  My son  turns two in a month and I just can’t believe that.  Where did the serious newborn go?

 

He’s so much more interactive now, he loves hugs and kisses.  He actually wants to cuddle in bed in the mornings and I may at times be able to reason with him.  I don’t think I would succumb to “baby fever”, but I miss it when I was able to just have my son nap on my chest and I could lay on the couch and cuddle with him for hours.  I miss sniffing the top of his head and inhaling that sweet intoxicating scent of newborn baby.  But I also do enjoy immensely toddler arms around my neck and the feel of his little lips on my face and that sweet voice that says “mama” when he tells me to dance.  My husband still holds out to a sliver of hope that I might want a second child and that hopefully that child would be a girl.  I am though, pretty adamant that I’m done with having kids.  Its been quite a journey into motherhood and I feel like its a one time trip for me.  But I don’t deny there is one percent chance I may think to have a second child.

But for now I am pretty excited to see what kind of person my son will be.  He’s such a happy joyous little man and I think about if he’ll be like me or the Danish Man or both or none.  I’m sitting here telling myself to enjoy being able to hold and carry him because soon I won’t be able to anymore and then I’ll miss it so much.  Cherish the days people tell me, cherish when he was small and immobile.  Cherish these times when he’s a toddler and interactive and learning with joy.  Cherish the time when you begin to see what type of personality he will develop.

 

Nothing that I can see…

I can’t really see any changes in my physical outward appearance. The scale hovers on the same number as I had been since I started Crossfit. I don’t feel like much has changed about my physically but I will say that I feel stronger and can lift more weights now. I don’t wear fitted clothes ever since I gave birth to my son.  I just never felt comfortable in my post baby body to wear clothes that were tighter.  So I can’t tell if I have lost weight by the feel of my clothes.  So I decided that it was best to check in with Dave one of the co-owners of the crossfit box that I attend.  He took my measurements and it turns out that I lost 3.5% of body fat.  SO at least I know I’m making progress in the right direction. Dave and I decided to check in again in about 2-3 weeks to see how I’m doing.  Since I was pretty much sedentary before joining crossfit, this body fat loss may just be a fluke that my body is becoming active and shedding fat instead of actually making active progress.

Crossfit has been challenging, and when I can get over my own fears and insecurities I really do enjoy myself.  I like the weight lifting aspects.  I am able to judge what I can actually lift now.  It is more than I would have thought at first.  Last night we were doing power snatches and snatch push press and I kind am bummed that I didn’t put more weight on.  I think I could have done a heavier set.  But at least I know that next time I can try for more.  Down side to yesterday’s WOD, free form handstands.  I cannot for the life of me even attempt to do a handstand.  Its pathetic how I look when trying one.  I’m a little discouraged about not being able to do it when everyone else can.  I mean people who are just starting like me or even more out of shape can do a handstand up against the wall.  I think its a mental block for me.  I’ll have to work on that but I try not to beat myself up over it.  All I can do is try.  I still get nervous just before a class and I tend to dread going but once I’m there and warming up I feel better and I also think that’s because everyone else is social and cheering one another on.  I’ve been going for almost two months now, there’s still so much to learn.  SO MUCH to get right on the form and technique.

I also have to be careful, my left knee is tender and so is my heel.  I think when I’m running during warm ups that I’m striking my heel.  So I need to be more aware of what I’m doing else I may end up injuring myself.  Can’t afford any set backs.  I have worked too hard to get where I am.